In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.
Media Kicking Itself for Not Buying Pegasus to Spy on High Profile Celebrity Wedding
Top secret wedding bells have been ringing quietly, known to the world thanks to the media’s high-tech radio frequency antennae tuned to celebrity gossip. After receiving intelligence about a mega-event taking place inside a gigantic fortress in one of the country’s most touristy spots, media houses rushed to uncover further information. The lighting, the carpets, the view from outside the fortress walls — all made for sound investigation. Stunning footage revealed that guests were actually in presence, wearing fancy clothes and jewelry. Hearsay also had it that guests were made to sign nondisclosure agreements, and publications rushed to confirm this non-scoop for the public good. Sources say that the leadership at various news houses regret not purchasing the Pegasus spyware while it was less unpopular. To imagine they would have be able to secure permanent access to everything from the notes apps to the toilets of famous people — in the interest of public information.
Woman Residing In London’s Mayfair Mansion Reportedly on “Front Lines of Vaccine Crusade”
This month, India achieved the distinction of having a representative join the Global Girlbosses with Glamor and Grit (G4) coalition. A woman, whose family’s mega wealth is a result of stockpiling and distributing vaccines at an inflated cost during a health crisis, got candid about the experience in a recent profile. She lamented the disappointment of being “misjudged” — she doesn’t only have an advanced sense of style, but also the sensibility to monopolize the production of life-saving technology in a pandemic. The profile spends a lot of time explaining the one truth golden truth: There is after all no girl bossing without gatekeeping
Country Built Almost Entirely on Exploiting Migrant Labor Celebrates 4.5 Day Work Week
After extracting backbreaking and often fatal work from migrant communities to look as dazzling as it does, one country was elated to announce its progressive labor policy to the world. As per government mandates, everyone will now reportedly work four-and-a-half days per week and no more. After that, executives and employees alike can exit the shiny glass skyscrapers the country has become known for. All while an invisible force takes over to magically maintain and construct more of the same ivory towers. The policy stands as an example of how to maintain a healthy work-life balance, where one person’s shorter work week is balanced with another person’s life. Progress awaits all those who follow.
CEO Announces He is Not Completely Devoid of Humanity in Emotional Mass Layoff
A man this week generously contributed three entire minutes of his life to tearfully fire 900 employees — simply because someone named Mr. Market demanded so with no explanation. Upon Market’s orders, the CEO was forced to take this step despite all the misery and pain it caused him, he said. His sacrifice was necessary, and he was merely protecting 900 people from the wrath of Mr. Market, reports suggest. The former employees were immediately evacuated from the scene without forewarning or a more substantial farewell, as Market’s men began to storm the company while threatening to destroy it. The identity of the mysterious Market is unknown at this time, as employees are encouraged to take the benevolent billionaire CEO’s word for it.
Another Billionaire Launches Self into Space For Fun
Another day, another person consuming a small country’s worth in fuel to fulfill a vanity project. This time, a billionaire from Japan is the latest entrant to a pissing contest that nobody realized was ongoing or ever necessary. Unfortunately, like the others, this individual will return — but hopefully not with ideas about how to address climate change after seeing the Earth from a height akin to that of all their wealth in coins, stacked up.