Looking up at a few stars
Goldie Hawn. Years ago. A “Kiss Me, Kate” summer stock job. The actor playing a strong man lost his loincloth so he schlepped onstage in a girl’s leotard. Goldie “laughed so hard I peed down my legs. It was visible so everybody went, ‘God, what’s happened?’ But I didn’t run offstage. I stuck it out.”
California earthquake. George Clooney ran outside without clothes but with his pet pig, Max. “My buddy Ben also came running nude carrying a rifle because he thought someone’s breaking in. My fear was we’d end up getting killed and they’d find two naked guys with a pig and a gun.”
Penn & Teller’s Penn Jillette: “My worst job was as a hospital orderly. I had to prevent flecks of skin and human giblets from clogging up the drains.”
Ashton Kutcher’s worst was “skinning deer for a local butcher.” He then won the Fresh Faces of Iowa modeling contest, began posing in New York, began dating Demi Moore and began improving.
Frances McDormand waited tables. Sharing a Bronx apartment with Holly Hunter, “we’d have contests to see who’d clean the bathroom best. She always beat me — and I’m anal.”
Martin Scorsese took care that his “Gangs of New York” was historically accurate. Still, one flag had 50 stars. The movie is set before we had 50 states. In a scene set in 1862 the Brooklyn Bridge is shown. It was finally constructed 1883.
Heather Locklear. During “Melrose Place” days her skirts were shortshort. “When I sat I could feel my cheeks on the chair. I worried not only about the camera seeing stuff but also the crew — although I don’t think they even cared.”
Russell Crowe — macho lead in “Gladiator” — crocheted between takes. A de-stressor, it takes the edge off waiting. Cameron Diaz, Uma Thurman, Naomi Campbell knit. Julia Roberts: “When I go on location, first thing I do is find a knitting store.”
Yo-Yo Ma? Left his $2.5 million cello in a taxi trunk while paying. Minutes later, at the hotel, he asked, “The fiddle OK there?” The baggage guy said, “Where?” The fiddle was OK — better than Yo-Yo Ma.
Jude Law: “I had a nude scene in the play ‘Indiscretions.’ The first night when my character is just getting into the bath our crew had poured in freezing cold water.”
Nicolas Cage: “As a child I had a repetitive nightmare. A large laughing blond woman in a gold bikini kept reaching into the window and snatching me off the toilet.”
Halle Berry: “Much of my life I’ve dreamt that while I’m talking my teeth start flying out of my mouth and I run around trying to catch them.”
Kevin Bacon: “Every article about me uses ‘sizzling Bacon’ or ‘bringing home the Bacon.’ When I filmed ‘The River Wild’ with Meryl Streep in Montana, a local diner put a Movie Star Special on the menu — ‘Hamburger with two Streeps of Bacon.’ ”
Winona Ryder and Johnny Depp brought very explicit photographs they’d taken to a one-hour printer figuring nobody’d see them because machines do all the processing. Returning to collect the shots, a beaming teen grinned, “I loved your pictures.”
Chris Rock worked at Red Lobster. “Minimum wage. We couldn’t afford to eat there. A shrimp costs minimum wage. Since kids don’t eat I’d always zero in on them, saying things like, ‘Listen, don’t touch that scallop.’ ”
David Schwimmer. 2003. Local LA production. The action called for the actress to grab his “package.” She grabbed it. In his pants he’d secreted a large, hard cucumber.
At least it wasn’t Only in New York, kids, only in New York.